just belinda

whew

2010-08-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

Well... what a week or more it has been. I have been struggling between extreme depression and letting my PTSD & Borderline run my emotions to the point of being sooo paranoid that I don't know what to do but cry.
I have felt pretty guilty for no reason... It would be good to figure out a way or learn that not everything is worth my killing myself over guilt. Not everything is my fault... I HAVE to learn that. Thanks mom and dad.. traci, linda, chris etc... oh the list goes on and on... why do I turn everything into my fault???? Why can't I see that others have responsibility? I will get stronger and even though I will never be 'ok' I want to try to make my everyday life a little easier.. that is not too much to ask.

2010-07-30T08:38:00.000-07:00

well... can't post on FB... I know that I have driven everyone away... I used to have friends... I let my illness consume me and no one seems to be able to see the good I have done. the past years have been hell and I wish I had a way to make them see that I am hurt. I feel like I have lost everything. I have been trying to work so hard on controlling what is actually controlling me. An uphill battle but I keep trudging... only to be hurt over and over. I can't be nice any more... it doesn't make a difference.

so difficult

2010-05-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

Well... therapy yesterday was very hard. We are still dealing with my childhood. It is a struggle... even from the physical and mental abuse I still feel guilty for cutting myself off from my parents. My therapist says that I have to. He understands the guilt but the lies and evilness I was fed as a child has lead to where I am now. It has made me weak when I wanted to be strong. I blame myself for everything and my entire self image was built in the childhood years. He links all the lies I was told as a child ( fat, stupid, gutter trash etc) makes it difficult if not almost impossible for me to believe any thing else. It is going to be a long road. thank goodness I have steve to hold me up in the worst of times

stir crazy

2010-05-22T17:29:00.000-07:00

Well maybe blogging is a better way to get things out of my mind instead of holding them or putting them on FB... I really am tired of FB because there is alot of drama, people begging for help but not willing to give it. I find my anger growing instead of fading. I have had it under control for quite awhile and I am struggling to keep it that way.
I wish that I could do something but the same ol same ol... but I am afraid of the world and all the terrible things in it. I don't want to play there anymore -- I am not stable enough anymore.
I work really hard at my therapy... that does help. But its a long road... and I don't know that anyone really understands that. Its like if the ETC's and therapy I have had so far should have fixed it.
I have such deep feelings of guilt and shame. I would love to be free from that and not blame myself for every little thing... and I mean EVERY little thing.

2010-03-31T08:47:00.000-07:00

I am dying slowly inside.... there are only 5 people who keep me going......

hmm

2010-03-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

I am a little down today... I wish I had a friend --- but for me to trust anyone is the most difficult thing in the world. If I share my feelings or let myself be vulnerable... I just get hurt, screwed and used..... Its hard to be friends with people who don't understand.... Alone... all alone

forever

2010-03-12T10:33:00.000-08:00

well quite a few months since I did this... I guess i didn't see the point... still don't. No one cares or pays attention anyway.
I am lonely... sad... I wish I had REAL people in my life... but my trust issues are soooo big that I can't do that. I feel like there is no one around... I have 'virtual friends' but there is no one here. I don't know what to do. I guess it doesn't matter.
I can't even deal with my psychiatrist... he doesn't care. All he had is a prescription pad... I can get that from any doctor.
I have my family but they are grown and have their own things.... I just don't know what my purpose is anymore...if I ever had one.
I give .... there is nothing for me. I just don't know what else to do anymore... not that anyone cares. I guess I should just keep doing what I do best... cry.

2009-11-02T09:23:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time... trying to work things out.... thought I had a handle on all of it--- I was wrong. I wonder what it will take to get past the thoughts, feelings, and devestation that all of this brings.... there is guilt, egos, and hatred mixed with desire and love.
I have come so far... and fallen just as far.
I have found my calling I think... to help the ones that can't help themselves. Yes they may be drug addicts or alcoholics.... but what cost sent them there? Some chose it but more had no choice due to circumstance, illness, and terrible things that would send anyone over the edge.
"there but for the grace of my loving husband go I"
I have to focus on what matters and let go of what does not... I will overcome.

phonies

2009-09-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does anyone else hate phonies????
Last night I had to put up with the phoniest of the phony.... I was not nice... why should I be... these people have treated me like crap basically for 23 yrs... I spoke when spoken to but not all sugary... because that would have gone against any and everything that I can live with. I could care less what they had to say afterward... they have talked shit about me since I met them. Unfortunatly I am connected to them through marriage...
I adore my husband.... but other than his father there is no one I want to have any contact with. Hopefully my attitude has precluded them from EVER coming to my new house.... that has been my big fear moving here... they are close in area... but this was a good move. As long as i can keep them away from me they can't trigger me....

ug

2009-09-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

wow... I wish someone would have told me how rough I am looking.... 40 doesn't agree with me at all....
I was trying to take new profile pics for my FB but they were SO AWFUL!!! My hair is long and out of control... and I generally looked pissed or sad....
life has not been kind to me...

control

2009-09-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

Wow... what a rough day yesterday. I had therapy and I promised one of my psychiatrists that I would broach a sensitive topic and try to work through it.
Well I broached the subject and it lead to a total meltdown... to the point of SI-- if I could have reached the scissors or a letter opener it would have been worse.
I am confused as to why my interpersonal relationships always end up in the crapper. I told him that it had to be my fault because it keeps happening... abandonment, meaness, etc. Yeah I have issues... but I have tried to be there for those peoples issues--- I don't deserve the same consideration apparently.
He was being kind and said that he was making a special effort to see me and work with me... and like an ass I told him thats cuz he was being paid... and that was a terrible thing to say. So the problems with my relationships ARE my fault because I say the most rotten things to people who really are on my side.
But with the pain and hurt that I have been put through I have the hardest time trusting anyone... including myself.
I need to get a grip and try to gain some control over my own life and let go of the hurt. I can't expect to be forgiven by others if i can't forgive my own faults.... that will be my biggest struggle. I have to figure out how not to blame myself for all the bad that is in my life.....

wow

2009-09-22T09:05:00.001-07:00

Wow... how long has it been???? So much going on. I don't even know if but anyone but Amy (hugs)
Life has had some dramatic twists and turns... moved... happy with the new house.... it feels like home. Still a bit to do but the big stuff is over. I have had a long time "friend" tell me to 'eff off'---- that was devastating--- but what can I do??? I will miss this person but it is their issue and I have to learn that letting go is best for me.....
I just don't understand why... yes we had some issues but I tried to make up for that and was flat out rejected.... this is why I don't let people get that close to me... I am the one that ends up hurt. There are times... (alot of times) when I feel that there really are very few people that I can count on. anything else is superficial. Good luck to this person...they are going to need it. I WILL NOT beat myself up over this person acting like I am the scum of the earth after all I have done.... they have made no effort... what kind of friend is that????
Yes the issues we had came up when I had been drinking... my bad.... but this person should have known that PTSD is such a hard illness... because they supposedly have it... but I honestly think this person had no clue what it really means.
So that is my thought for today....

been a while

2009-08-14T02:17:00.000-07:00

Well it has been awhile since I did this.... busy packing and other crap. This has been very stressful and has caused me some issues... but I am coping with them. It has caused some tension in the house... working my ass off --- only to be told that I might have to re-do it all again. I need a little help and really not getting it- I know steve works hard hours and has been putting in overtime to help manage things... but there are somethings I can't do myself.
I know... bitch and moan... But sometimes we have to do that.... some of us more than others.
I am nervous about the move... I don't take change well. But it has to be for the best to get me the hell out of this shit hole town. Maybe then I will be able to go outside at least without worry. I hope it aides in my "recovery".
Well 3:30 am... steves alarm just went off so I should cut this short....

2009-08-02T16:16:00.000-07:00

I wonder sometimes why I bother.... What is the point.... I can't conform because that makes things worse. If I had fought sooner I wouldn't be in this predicament. I should have fought years ago.... then I wouldn't be a wreck now.

2009-07-21T04:43:00.000-07:00

So.... day three with no alcohol.... I just want to see if I can do it. I want to see if I lose any weight... that will be a big factor on how this goes.
I read a PTSD article that said it almost always causes some type of addiction. I don't want to be an addict. I would like to be able to have a drink without HAVING to have a drink.
I have to fight for myself... no one else is going to. I want to be "ok" and doing some drastic things to do that. Selling the house, moving away from this place, trying to quit drinking... maybe smoking will be next.
There are no guarantee's .... but at least I am trying.
I have most of the house packed.... the stuff that is not essential for day to day living. Still have more to go.... but I still have 5 weeks.... Steve pointed that out. I just don't want to panic at the last minute ( and we all know that I will)
Today is therapy.... good times. UG! I am going thursday for my liver test.... I am sure there is nothing there... but whatever.
I do know that I am lonely and sad.... but what else is new. One of these days maybe I will be able to pull my head out of my ass and get on with actually living. It makes it hard when there are very few people that you trust.... I just think that people expect me to be what I cannot be. If that drives them away then oh well....
Steve offered to buy me a puppy to keep me busy. But boy would that send Hendrix over the edge... I think he is getting used to being an only 'child'
So that my thoughts for today- random, pathetic, whatever.... it is what it is.

2009-07-11T18:39:00.000-07:00

So... been a bad bit of business around here lately. I think everyone in the entire family is stressed beyond our stretching points--- we are all having different issues but we are all struggling.
This whole house mess and the realtor being a total piece of crap has me stretched beyond control.... I couldn't go near him today because I would have bitch slapped him --- lying sack of shit.
Steve is at wits end... with the whole family in turmoil and then I did something I shouldn't have on Tues... but I failed at it of course.... couldn't get it right and just ended up with a mess instead of a result.
Things need to settle down for all of us.... we deserve some peace..... but we all have each other to lean on.

2009-07-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

so its been a few since I blogged... alot going on. I think the messed upmy ECT this time... its like I didn't even have one.... thats a bad thing. Steve and I had "trouble" monday but after about 4 hours it worked out. I was not acting "right" or rational and he basically had to sit on me for 4 hours. Part of the disease.... I have no control sometimes. :(
We got an offer on the house last night and it is a bunch of crap!!! they basically want me to hand over the keys and walk away.... Ya know... that doesn't work for me. If I accepted the offer I would end up homeless. My realtor is not working for me --- he never has. He knows the score and I have made damn sure that he knew the score... did he do what was in MY best intrest... HELL NO... jack ass.... I am just livid... so is steve. But I have managed to make it so far with out bawling my eyes out or having to take thorazine.... I consider that a triumph.... life sucks.....

OMG

2009-06-22T19:49:00.000-07:00

So I am not really sure what I want to blog about... I have had a good couple of days. But I have to go off my meds wed for treatment friday.... so that is always a good time. SIGH....
Its been good to see the girls and of course Micaiah so much the past month...
I got an email from a FORMER friend the other day and I was LIVID... #1 I didn't know how she got my email #2 we haven't spoken for over 13 yrs.... she became very rude and ignortant and quite frankly vicious one day at a birthday party. She made me cry and I was so devestated because we were so close (I thought) and I was with her when her baby was born--- and I was with her to hold her and the baby when the baby passed away and then a month or so later she turned on me and called me everything but a child of god. Turns out my friend Kelly gave her my email --- I was very upset and she told me she gave it to her because she thought it was sweet.... the whole time I was thinking "i didn't hear on the news the hell froze over" cuz that is the only way I would ever speak to that sow ever again.
You only get one chance to burn me.... after that there are no more chances EVER.
Its very bewildering to me how many times that has happened to me.... I of course blame myself for the fact that I get burned.. I get too close too fast and I give my all then it comes and smakes me in the face. There is a reason -well lots of reasons- that I have trust issues... I never trust my own choices- How can I when this has happened over and over.
So I guess that is the end of my rant for now.... another one later of course....

for us girls

2009-06-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

Words for Women to Live By! 1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember wherever there is a good looking,sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are hard.
14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.'
Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there'.'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live today'.

Promised

2009-06-13T19:05:00.000-07:00

I promised my dear friend that I would blog today even though I really don't think anyone gives a rats ass....Maybe her but that is cuz she is so sweet.
I had nightmares last night so I woke up agitated...I wrote down what I remembered in my journal, it sucks not to remember because then when you try to tell some one about it it just comes across as stupid.
I managed to get through the morning and afternoon thanks to my meds and a little help from Bacardi.
Then we went to mom and dads so Steve could try and fix their car.... I made the mistake of looking at the local paper.... there was a front page article about the credit union and the history... including the embezzelment. And the chairman of the board acted like he and all the other board members did when it happened and in the two years following... lacsidasical... The attitude of --shit happens--- well they could think that because it wasn't them she was making death threats to etc.... I dropped the paper like it was a snake... and had to leave in the middle of a visit with my parents to get my meds.
Steve stopped at the store that is a block from my parents house and left me in the escape with Hendrix while he ran in to see if they had my favorite ice cream--- something that was planned prior to the news paper shit. And lo and behold there I sat facing the care of that slutty whore who cost me my job with the Army...
I have to be honest .... It took every ounce of will power not to walk over and key that fucking sluts car.... I was having trouble breathing when steve came out of the store... I came home- flipped out -- cried... did a post on face book- realized some people have dropped me from the "friends" list. ( what a joke) and I came even more unglued.... I was out of control by now.
I have barely calmed down and am FURIOUS with myself.... I let this crap get to me AGAIN.... no wonder no one wants anything to do with me- I am a damn psycho.... I can't even stand myself... how can I expect anyone else to????
I hate myself -- I hate my "life" -- trust is not in my vocabulary-- and I am tired --- sick and tired... My therapist keeps saying its hard work.... but no matter what I try I will never get my life back. It was stolen from me by some rotten "people" (and I use the term loosly) and the worst part is I let them... I succumbed to the bullshit and horror that my life became 7 years ago and I will never get it back.
The End

?????

2009-06-11T10:04:00.000-07:00

Why am I bothering to have a blog??????? No one really gives a rats ass. There are so many people I care so deeply for..... I don't know why.... the feeling is not mutual.... Guess I should take my meds and get over it.

hmmm

2009-06-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

Funny.. I just read everyone elses blogs.... they are all watching and catching up with each other..... and I am all alone... not on a blog list anywhere... Thats ok... at least I know I love you.... I am not worthy of anything from anyone... but I won't treat you that way.... My best and my love to you---- even if you don't care enough to follow me or my "thoughts" --- I know I am crazy and that no-one wants to be with me.... Nothing I can do about that.... I am doing all I can. But thanks for the care, love and attention.. Bitter???? eehhh.... whatever..... no one really cares anyway.

why

2009-06-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

I refuse to cry..... I have had flashbacks and triggers all morning.... then the reality of the house not selling for what we need it to sell for... another slap in the face.... We are meeting with the bank today to see what we need to sell the house for -- bottom line and if we can't do it we are going to take it off the market.
I don't know why we bother to make things better.... it always backfires. We try to be good people... maybe that is where we are going wrong..... its the bad jackasses in the world that seem to prosper.

sometimes

2009-06-01T16:53:00.000-07:00

There are sometimes when you have to wonder... really about everything and everyone. Sometimes You wonder why me or why not me...
Sometimes you have to wonder if there is anyone who cares or is sincere.
Sometimes when you think someone cares for you you realize that is not the case... that hurts all the time.
Sometimes you try to forget and can't
Sometimes you wish it was all over
Sometimes you wan't what you will never be able to have
Sometimes you care more than you should when you know it will just lead to trouble and heartache
SOMETIMES

Bo

2009-05-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up and Bo was having trouble. He has seizures and I figured he had one in the night. He couldn't walk and I had to carry him outside.
I sat with him for an hour and a half- came in the house- steve woke up and went out and Bo had tried to drag himself outside.... He was in full stroke mode... I carried him to his bed and he stroked out. I tried to give him mouth to nose while steve pumped his chest. But we couldn't save him and he died in our arms.
It is so devastating.... we thought he would live forever. He was just 2 months shy of his 15 th birthday. He was a great pet and we loved and spoiled him as much as possible. We have buried him next to his 'sister' Bear....
Love and miss you Beauregard.... all my love mom

long time

2009-05-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I blogged... mostly because I couldn't remember my passwords... I can feel my mind slipping away more and more. Confusion and being disoriented are the rule not the exception.
Someone told me very recently that I can't keep pushing people away..... But if I don't push them first I am the one who ends up hurt. I have had enough of that and don't want any part of other people dictating how & what I am.
I am going to lose all the weight I have gained by being down and out. I am ready for some serious changes... get out of this town, protect myself first, and try to figure out who I have become. I am hoping some changes will help me figure out how to live with what I am instead of fighting and struggling to be what I can no longer be.

whatever

2009-04-28T06:07:00.000-07:00

So I have just been doing alot in the house to make it more appealing to prospective buyers.. I really want out of this town.
but I have been doing alot of thinking during all my time... I am lonely- I really have no one to talk to and that I feel comfortable sharing everything with. I have been burned so many times that I have a huge fear of getting close to anyone. Its really sucky to be this alone surrounded by so many people.

Go Away

2009-04-20T05:49:00.000-07:00

You need to go away and leave me alone... quit trying to contact the people that I know and move on with YOUR life. You made your choices and you cannot now come back and try to weasel your way in. You had your chance.... YOU blew it.... Its not all about YOU so get over yourself.
I am not going to let you stalk me... if you keep it up I will contact the authorities... I am not changing my life to avoid you... just stay the hell away. I have been through enough with others just like you and I will be damned if I am going to keep living with people like you bothering me.
You know who you are .... GO AWAY!!!

what a week!

2009-04-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

So... its been pretty wild the past 6 days.... one thing after another... had a couple of meltdowns- but I am working on it. I have had Kashi calling and texting and emailing... she said she wanted her space... took it to an extreme and didn't consider the fact that she was doing what everyone else I have let close to me has done. But I finally talked to her and all she could talk about was how things affected her. Like I had no clue what PTSD does to someone. The longer she did the me-me-me thing the angrier I became. She had no interest in what her extreme actions did to me and the fact that she did what they have all done.... betrayed and devestated me.
When I finally ended the conversation I was angry... but ok. That surprised me. I think that is some type of progress.
I haven't been having nightmares since I upped my trazadone. I am going to call my psychiatrist and talk to him about it. I think that is making a bit of a difference in how I am handling things.
But I am working hard. I am thinking about writing about what has happened and the journey that I am going through to try and heal.

gonna complain

2009-04-10T09:01:00.000-07:00

So another day... i just feel like venting... I think I should be able to do that -- this is my blog and I don't judge others for what they write... but I know the rules that apply to others never apply to me... I am expected to hold a different set of standards. Could anyone tell me why that is? This is supposed to be part of my theraputic process- but I feel that sometimes I have to censor what I want to say. Is that fair? Hmmm thinking not.
Yesterday went from bad to worse- I finally threw my hands in the air and gave up on everything. Why bother? It was just like the past... try to help and get slapped in the face. Then people wonder why I am so bitter!!
I have spent alot of time trying to help others with PTSD and ended up getting read the riot act by someone who was having a hard time... she posted it for everyone to see that she was struggling and when I asked if it was stress, anxiety or if there was anything I could do she emailed me told me most people didnt know that she had PTSD and was deleting my comments. All I was trying to do was care... and that is where I always go wrong. Never EVER try to care.... all it has ever done for me is destroy me. So I figured that if I was doing the wrong thing I would just make it easy on her and deleted her. That way I can't make the same mistake again.
Then Janice came over and brought ash a wonderful baby gift -- but of course there was the inevitable talk about MEPS and the bitches..... that did not help my already unstable mood.
I went to the credit union earlier in the day just for a few seconds and FOUR people commented on my house being for sale. I HATE this 'community. And of course every single one of them asked if I was still having problems with Linda. I told them YES and others...
I thought I had found something I could do and was not too shabby at... helping others in my condition. But I have failed at that too. So I guess we can add major disappointment and failure to my list of 'issues'

stuff

2009-04-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

Well lets see what trouble I can get into or cause with this blog....
I went out in the front yard all by myself twice yesterday.... I was VERY proud of me. Anyone who has a clue as to my struggles... especially in this community knows that was a pretty big feat! :)
I was thinking a bit about how I ended up this way... from childhood through all the injustices etc at the various places I have had the misfortune to be employed. I wonder if it was building all these years and then the whole Linda trying to kill me etc and then the joy of the job w/ the army just made it go KABOOM!
I am grateful for the people that I have now... they may be 'virtual" relationships but its the best I can do or have right now.
I never thought anyone would 'get it' but by some twist of fate I was able to find people that do get it. We all came by it in different ways but the result is the same....
Still missing our little guy- But what can you do.... they are trying to get comfortable with their little family... and we all know that is not easy.... those little tiny things don't come with instructions. It will all work out.
well thats what I have to say for today. Have been enjoying skype... spent 3 hours on it with a chap from Algeria. Its fun because he is working on his english and I have to talk to him mostly in french. I cheat and use a translator but it is helping me brush up on my French. :)
Just one more note- people come and go... eventually we get used to it. If they step away from you at first it is hard not to blame yourself... but we have to realize they are making their own decisions and have to deal with the consequences. (not you sissy-just so you know)

well hell....

2009-04-02T08:26:00.000-07:00

I love making my posts different colors.... is that more of being crazy? :)
I have treatment tomorrow so no meds for me today... trying to stay as focused as possible on positive- I can't afford a freak out. They are sooo bad when there are no meds.
I am not touching my workbook today... I can't afford the triggers that it caused yesterday. It is very difficult to do.
I have come to some realizations.... I am terrified of the person who originally did this to me -- but I am angriest at the people I worked with in the army for making it worse. I could have healed a little if they hadn't screwed me over so bad. Is that weird or even crazier???
I can't stand someone who is good to your face and then does a hari-kari move to you emotionally... it is WAY deeper then a stab in the back.
I will never forgive or forget how Traci f****ed me over just for a piece of ass... she is the one who put me in the middle of it in the 1st place!! Why didn't she just leave me out of it? Not to mention Tami.... with her sticky fingers and unethical practices.... god forbid either should have to pay the price for the things they did.
How is it that they did the crime and I am the one who gets blamed for not letting them get away with it? Or pays the price for their 'crimes'??? I guess it was easier to blame someone else then to actually take responsibility for what they were doing.
I spent 2 years of my life prior to that in fear for my life because someone else commited a crime and blamed me for calling the authorities..... I wasn't the one who embezzeled all that money.... but somehow I paid the price.
I've lost everything because of these people... yet I am supposed to be 'yippee-skippee' about all of it and "just get over it" ..... where is the justice for the real perpetrators??? I paid for their actions with my mind..... THANKS A HELL OF ALOT.
Ya know what made it worse (if that was possible) was not being believed. Thanks for that guys.... (tony, commander, anne, etc... the list is sooo long.) Is there something about me or wrong with me that makes people automatically side with the wrong doers? Then people wonder why I don't want to exist at times...HMMM lets examine:
I sleep with a gun, have a security system, am on meds up the butt, and have to have my brain shocked at least 2 x's a week just to barely function.... WTF????
How could I make this shit up??????
Boy... went off a little there.. needed to get it off my chest --- but I am not going to freak.... not today if I can help it.
Believe me or not... it doesn't matter anymore.

ho-hum

2009-04-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

Isn't it fun when you reach out and get ignored? I don't know why I even bother.
I have decided that most people are just using me- to hell with them. (not you noodle or sissy) Then there are those who can't get over the fact that I have recieved what I deserved (MEPS Effers!)
I guess instead of sitting here and bitching about people who really mean nothing to me in the long run I should do something constructive... I have been afraid to work in my PTSD workbook... just because I am afraid of what it will bring up and make me feel... I USED to be strong... thanks life for stealing that from me.
Aside from that I want to make sure that I post a big THANK YOU to my baby girl for giving me something so very precious--- I didn't think I could love anything that much again.... he is perfect ash... Your doing great and are a super mom... I couldn't be prouder of the three of you. Not to mention my cori-ann... I love you so much too honey and I am so proud of how you have made your own way in the world.
You guys are my saving grace....

why

2009-03-30T05:19:00.000-07:00

So why cant the past leave me alone????? I woke up from a nightmare in a full blown panic attack today.
The nightmare was about the past of course and it had all the people in it that I want to erase from my mind... It had everything... people chasing me, trying to hurt me, forcing me out of a job, not believing what I had to say, violence etc.
Yesterday Ash scolded me for being aggressive... what else am I supposed to do? I told her that is why I am on meds and she is not.
Past GO AWAY... I don't want you here anymore. You have done enough damage to me and cost me everything.... GO AWAY.

yesterday

2009-03-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

Well our little Micaiah is here and he is perfect... its pretty awesome to be a grandma.
Had a rough day.... those f'ers at the MEPS and civilian personnel really triggered an episode. I hope those bastards at the MEPS are livid that I have been medically retired... I hope it just eats at them. They had the nerve to demand my keys... umm they took those when they took my security clearance, wrote me up for coming between the affair of my supervisor and her supervisor etc and I ended up in the hospital and all they did was bitch about when I was coming back when they were the ones who drove me there.
I cant wait until I am no longer in this "community" and can maybe move forward with living instead of being afraid to leave my own home.
Yeah... I am angry. You can only be pushed so far so many times before you lose your cool. I don't care if this is a bitchy blog... don't like it don't read it.
I am tired... I should lay down and maybe when I wake up I can put those assholes behind me.....

today

2009-03-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

Today I have been fortunate to meet some more new people- all whom I can identify with and hopefully can identify with me. I am amazed at the number of people suffering with this crap.
I do have to say that my association with the people I have met has helped me in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. If I thought god loved or cared about me I would so thank him for these wonderful people. None of us should be going through this.... WHY.... why us?????
Yesterday was a rough day... but managed to get through it. Went and saw Normie and took him to the cemetary to visit Rea. Then it was off to visit cori and groom Farley... that he did NOT appreciate. :)

another day

2009-03-16T05:09:00.000-07:00

Well just another day... painted the garage last night- well most of it. Still more to do. We want things to be as perfect as possible for the prospective buyers. I am going to miss this house... but its for the best.
I am on a downer this morning. God let my meds work soon!
I am just so sad and there are reasons for it... but nothing to discuss.
Had nightmares most of the night... got up and steve was up- he didn't sleep all night. I don't know why. It makes me feel guilty for some reason... I guess he is stressed. I am a handful and he handles it so well.
I wish the girls would call or facebook or email more often... I miss contact with them. But they are grown and have their own lives. Part of life I guess.
Thats it for this morning... Totally bummed and depressed... life sucks.

new friends

2009-03-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

Well I have friend requested alot of people with PTSD.. they all accepted. It is good to have people to talk to that are in the same position- it helps. I am so grateful to have found this group and the people in it.
I have a headache today--- a little stressed. I have been pretty confused too. I don't know why but it is an odd feeling. I am sure that there are things that I am supposed to be doing but I'll be darned if I know what they are.
the house is on the market.... I am really looking forward to getting the heck out of dodge. I need a change of environment. Some of the people in my support group think that it is going to do me a world of good.... I hope so. Thank the good lord for steve and all he has put up with... I don't know how he does it.

I don't know

2009-03-10T08:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just don't know...I have really been struggling the past few days. I feel like crap because I think I might have poisoned Hendrix.... with my faulty memory I forgot that you can't give dogs ibuprofin.... I feel worse than ever.... which is hard to do because I feel rotten most of the time.
My friend Kashi is upset with me... I am not quite sure why... there can be so many reasons. For the past 2 days all I have wanted to do is have the ground open up and swallow me. How much longer can I go on this way. I just want to be normal. I don't know if that will ever happen. I hate the way I am and honestly I hate myself.
I had someone contact me on skype today- I don't know who she is but she said I sounded "interesting" - poor girl has no idea what she is gettting herself into.
I told steve last night that I don't think my new meds are working.... that's probably not a good thing. But I will have to wait till I see my psychiatrist on the 26 to discuss that.
I am just miserable and I don't see any end in sight.... sorry everyone who is trying to help me. I love you all and really do appreciate your efforts. I don't want to be like this... sitting here and sobbing half the day.
I would give anything for my ECT treatments to completly erase the past so I don't have to think about it at all. So there it is... open and honest and blunt.... ugly but true.

here I am

2009-03-09T13:46:00.000-07:00

Well here I am.... I have been waiting for a realotor alll freaking day... she never showed so I called a different one and told the other to get bent. I have put up with enough bullshit in the past 3 years that I don't need to wait on someone who can't be fussed to show up. I am angry. I don't know what it is about me that people think they can just use me or take advantage. I am sick and damn tired of it. Can anyone tell me what it is about me that people think they can just walk on me- abuse me- threaten my life etc..... I just don't want to put up with any bullshit any more. So if you were planning on taking advantage forget it. I have had enough!!!!!

chubby

2009-03-07T06:11:00.000-08:00

Well... I have spent alot of time just sitting around.... the down side of that is I have put on a massive amount of weight. :( Steve doesn't care but I sure as heck do! I am going to spend the next 30 days getting rid of some of it... I don't want to be a fat grandma and Micaiah will be here soon. I am MOTIVATED now.... I can't blame my mental short comings for my weight gain... there are skinny crazy people.
I talked alot with Kashi in San Fransisco and she has been an inspiration and we have come to rely on each other--- close as family. Bless her little model heart! :)
I guess there are a few things I need to remember to be grateful for... good friends, a devoted and loving spouse....which is very cool considering the great length of time we have been together... married 23 years together 25.
But my main goal right now will be to shed this extra baggage I have accumulated... that and keep up with my treatments. We are going to once every 2 weeks instead of every other day or weekly... Dr Singh isn't sure I am ready for that but we will have to see. He has literally saved my life... If I had any faith in God at this point I would thank God for sending him to me.
Anyway.... day one of dieting.... keep your fingers crossed!!!

Today

2009-03-03T17:12:00.000-08:00

Today I feel blue... I wonder what its all about. Why me? I have cried a river and still don't feel better. Thank God for my good friends... I would be lost without them.

Morning

2009-02-28T06:08:00.000-08:00

Well here it is bright and early.... Not much going on. Treatment went well yesterday and now he wants to do them once a week but that is still a little excessive. We are going to try and have them done once every 2 weeks. We want to sell the house and move... I am tired of this town. Maybe a change of scenery will help my mental state! :)

today

2009-02-25T04:45:00.000-08:00

Well its early... I have treatment today. But not until 1:30 in the afternoon... when you get up at 5 am that is a long time to wait. SIGH!!!
Beau hurt Hendrix yesterday rough housing and now Hendrix won't walk and cries all the time. When he's not in my lap that is. I guess he thinks that makes it all better. Poor guy.
They still won't eat... unless I put something on their food- How did I get such fussy dogs?!
Well I guess I will go watch the news or something... geez I am boring!

whatever

2009-02-24T09:04:00.000-08:00

So here I am just hanging out... no treatment today but one on wed. and fri. They are affecting me differently this time around.... at least I don't want to go back to work this time!!! I know better- bunch of asses...
Nothing new... dogs won't eat, ducks are loud, I want to sell the house and move...
Won't that be interesting... a whole new start just Steve & I (and the dogs)?? I feel bad for leaving mom and dad behind--- but we have to think of ourselves. Steve wants to be closer to work and I don't care if I never see this town again. I could go on a tirade about it and the "people" in it... but whats the point?!

random

2009-02-17T06:44:00.000-08:00

Well we took ash to her Dr appt yesterday and I got to listen to Micaiah's heart beat and watch him squirm around to try and get away from the monitors. He's an active little guy- I can't wait until he is here for us to love and cuddle. Ashleys midwife doesn't think that she will carry to term but she is close... 6 weeks out.
Bob and Puddles came out of their pen and into the garage early this morning- stupid ducks.... then they quack at me because they think they are getting a treat just because they can see me.
A little bit of snow today.... but it won't last long.
I am just going to hang out today and maybe read a little... in the new library... :) It turned out great. Steve is the best at everything.
I, personally, am going to do ok today.... I can't let the evil of the world keep attacking me on such deep levels. One day they will get their own back.
I can't wait to see cori on saturday... she is coming for dinner and a closet walk through.
So there are the random thoughts that I have had so far today.

survival

2009-02-14T02:36:00.000-08:00

I am in survival mode I guess you could put it. I have to be.... Started treatments again because we came very close to the end monday.
I will keep going as long as I can because of one simple statement...
"WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GROW OLD TOGETHER"
That is what I cling to daily. There are people I love very much in this world and they might not see it now... I hope we can all figure it out before it is irreparable or too late.
I will continue to struggle and keep getting back up when I keep getting knocked down... even if I only make it to my knees.

time

2009-02-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

A time comes for everything... good, bad and ugly. We all just have to realize that these things happen for a reason- we don't know what the reason is exactly but there has to be a reason or it would not happen.

Love for all who have cared enough to share this blog with me.

tired

2009-02-08T03:40:00.000-08:00

Well just a little tired of not being good enough- I don't say the right things... certain people think they have the right to correct, scold, or tell me off in public. I think that I am a full grown adult. I have been this way for a very long time. Sorry if you are embarassed by me- I know everyone thinks that I take things to an "extreme" but lets face it if I did this kind of shit to you - you wouldn't want to be around me. I do the best I can and I am not changing to suit anyone. I am not apologizing anymore.

maybe

2009-02-05T11:40:00.000-08:00

I think that I actually helped another human being last night. I was reached out to and helped someone in desperate need. It was scary yet felt good to know that I could be there for someone who really needed someone. Maybe I am not worthless after all. We hardly know each other but she reached out and I was there to help her and I know that if I needed to reach out she would help me. I have been afraid of that for a very long time.

all by myself

2009-02-04T09:57:00.000-08:00

Well today I decided I was sick of being in the four walls.... and I went to lunch all by myself. I went to Virgs, had coffee, a breakfast burrito, read a magazine and was ok with it. I went to family dollar and got some cool workout pants for like 4 bucks.... Decided I don't need others to do my thing... I'll do what I want when I want.

figures

2009-02-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

Tore the flank muscle in my back working out this morning even though I have been working out every day for months... with no sucess of course... but it proves to me the higher power is out to get me and won't stop until I am crushed... like under a semi or something. Nah... that would be to easy. Probably keeping me around to make me suffer as much as or more that humanly possible

2009-02-02T03:05:00.000-08:00

Well Steve got the library painted yesterday and it looks awesome... I just sat on my pitty pot and felt sorry for my self. I am in another deep depression.... got a letter from those bastards at the MEPS wondering what my 'INTENTIONS" are.... well they have already filled my position what the hell do they think my intentions are. Not to mention the letter was FULL of errors on dates etc.... so I fired off one back to them.... Steve made me edit it. He said I sounded 'disgruntled' REALLY????????
I am going to have to go off some of my meds because I can't afford them any longer....
I have been trying to do things to clear my mind and soul and trying to have little accomplishments that help me see that I am not such a loser only to be knocked flat on my ass and have my face rubbbed in the mud. I wonder why God has abandoned me. NO LECTURES.... It is my feelings and I am entitled to them.
Any way .... here are the 25 'random' things about me that everyone is so gung ho on.... probably nothing new... but it was all I could come up with at 3 in the morning....

25 THINGS ABOUT ME:
1. I used to tell my kids they were from their dads 1st marriage.
2. I used to tell other people my kids were adopted (cuz they look NOTHING like me :) )
3. I treat my dogs, fish and ducks like people
4.I met steve at 14, engaged at 15 married at 17
5. I have decided to only eat one meal a day
6. I don't sleep much even on heavy medication
7. I love to read
8. I may be crazy but I am NOT stupid
9. I hate to be taken advantage of
10.Revenge is the name of my game.
11. I never forgive and I never forget
12. I wouldn't be sad if I was diagnosed with a fatal disease
13. I am very spiritual.
14 I had alot of my memory wiped out and it is difficult for me to remember things
15. I keep meticulous records just in case I need to use them.
16. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up
17. I have been a custom finisher in a cabinet shop, run a daycare, owned my own business, and been the vice president of a credit union among other things
18. I will kick your ass and not think twice about it if you get in my way1
9. I can and have restored antiques for a living
20. I have lived all over the world
21. I don't feel likeable
22. I started to write a book once
23. I have been married and a mother more than 1/2 my life
24. I grew up on a small farm
25. I hate camping

working on it

2009-01-31T05:20:00.000-08:00

Well I have been working on this all morning... and I get up at 3:45! But I am trying to get the hang of it... I finally figured out how to get the blogs I want to follow on the page.... go me.

I got my hair chopped yesterday... I tried to let it grow but I cannot be without funky hair.... it is just not me.

Well may the sun shine down on all of you today and may my medications work for me!

didn't know

2009-01-31T04:53:00.000-08:00

Well I didn't know but I am learning.... I figured out how to put the blogs I am going to follow on my blog page... that was a hell of a trick.

I didn't even know Cori had a blog.... but now I do. Good times.

Not much to do today- Got sick of trying to grow my hair out and cut it all off again.

I am too old not to have funky hair styles.... its just not me to have longish hair... I need to spike and gel and stuff... its way more fun that way!

I hope the sun shines on every one today and that my meds work for me!

Baby news

2009-01-30T04:52:00.000-08:00

Well it looks like Ashleys little man wants out and is sick of being all cramped in her tiny little body.
She had to go to the hospital last night where they shot her full of steroids to try and develop his lungs a little bit and gave her some other meds to try and stop the contractions.... its too early for the anxious little guy to come out.
They did send her home and she is still confined to bed.
On a personal note ---
I am working on clearing my mind and soul. I need to come to terms with the fact that I will always have to pay or be punished for the fact that I have the mental issues that I have and nothing is going to change that and there is no point in fighting against it any more. I will learn to accept my circumstances as they are... I have no choice. I am tired of being hurt and hurting. What does that accomplish????

what the hell

2009-01-29T06:16:00.001-08:00

Well I decided to contact the ACLU and let them know that I thought it was a bunch of shit that someone with a mental disorder couldn't get justice in this day and age. I of course expect no response or help but there are somethings that you just have to get off your chest or they eat you alive.
I don't expect anyone to understand.... I get alot of 'forget it' and 'let it go'.
I didn't choose this and I would gladly throw it in the garbage if I could. No one should have this. I know there are others stronger then I am and can shake things off... proud of them... and jealous of them too. Kudos to the strong and worthy.

OF COURSE!

2009-01-28T04:58:00.000-08:00

Well yesterday was my meeting with the lawyer and of course there is nothing he can do.... why.... because I have PTSD. Punished yet again for something that someone else caused... yea not everyone would have ended up with the mental disorder but still being punished for wrong doing that I did not cause. It must be nice to get away with shit....I wonder how those people feel- or if they feel at all?
Maybe with anyluck little princess penny will trip me going down the stairs and I will break my neck.

2009-01-27T04:20:00.000-08:00

We had a great dinner for Cori's birthday. Even Ash came even though she is on bed rest.... but we got her to sit in the recliner with her feet up most of the time.

Mom and dad came and we ate lots of lasagna and banana splits. I had a bit too much to drink in the afternoon (it was a rough day) and was a little passed out when steve got home from work- but he got me up and things went off without a hitch and he wasn't mad. God he is good to me.... I hope Cori had a good 22nd... even though she is OLD :) Love to my girlies....

UH_OH

2009-01-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

ashley just called and she has been put on bed rest... she is starting to dialate... that is not good. I am so worried about my little one. It is a little too early for our little guy to come out yet....

today

2009-01-26T04:00:00.000-08:00

Well today is my little Cori Annie's 22nd birthday... What the hell?? I am really sure that I am not that old! Right??? My little sissy wants lasagna and banana splits for her birthday. Of course she is going to get it!
Today is call the lawyer day.... keeping my fingers crossed that good things happen... but we all know that good things rarely happen to me. Thats not being pessemistic... that is being a realist!
Now its time to get my fat ass on the treadmill cuz I am determined not to have a fat ass like some people I recently saw at a recent event. I didn't even know they made jeans with butts so big. Mean ---- hell yeah!

another day

2009-01-25T04:40:00.000-08:00

So I got an email from a lawyer and I am going to call him monday for my consult to see if I have a case.... we will see what the news is then.
The dogs are off the hook for messing up the carpets with their big gigantic muddy feet after I spent all day cleaning the carpets. Now they have to have a foot bath before they can come in the house.
I really don't even know why I am doing this stupid blog thing.... Whatever.... I guess we will see what happens --- I will probably get bored and forget about it in a month.

whatever

2009-01-24T10:35:00.000-08:00

I figure I am doing myspace and facebook.... and nothing else with my life.... what the hell. I might as well be doing this too.
Today I had to clean the carpets cuz the dogs really thought that all the mud outside really belonged inside on the carpet.
I just want steve to come home so I can hug and love him. I miss him when he is not here. At least I am not having a "crazy day". Those are always fun. You know the ones where you either cry your eyes out or try to physically harm yourself or others.... well you probably don't know.... but consider yourselves lucky.
So here it is.... the crazy bitch blog..... good luck with it