Wow... what a rough day yesterday. I had therapy and I promised one of my psychiatrists that I would broach a sensitive topic and try to work through it.
Well I broached the subject and it lead to a total meltdown... to the point of SI-- if I could have reached the scissors or a letter opener it would have been worse.
I am confused as to why my interpersonal relationships always end up in the crapper. I told him that it had to be my fault because it keeps happening... abandonment, meaness, etc. Yeah I have issues... but I have tried to be there for those peoples issues--- I don't deserve the same consideration apparently.
He was being kind and said that he was making a special effort to see me and work with me... and like an ass I told him thats cuz he was being paid... and that was a terrible thing to say. So the problems with my relationships ARE my fault because I say the most rotten things to people who really are on my side.
But with the pain and hurt that I have been put through I have the hardest time trusting anyone... including myself.
I need to get a grip and try to gain some control over my own life and let go of the hurt. I can't expect to be forgiven by others if i can't forgive my own faults.... that will be my biggest struggle. I have to figure out how not to blame myself for all the bad that is in my life.....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
HUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGS
ReplyDeleteYou're right sweetie. Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things a person can do. Sometimes we say things that are cruel and insensitive. But when we recognize it then we need to make it right. I am sure that you apologized to your therapist once you realized you stuck your foot in it.
Pain is hard. I hate that you were so troubled by issues in your past that you self injured. I hope it wasn't that bad. Although anything is bad because it was done but you know what i mean.
I love you Belinda and nothing is ever going to change it. You can hurt me and call me down and do whatever you feel is necessary at the moment. But I know that deep down you care. So it doesn't matter what you ever say to try and hurt me. I am never leaving. I may not always be able to be there for you as I have my own issues I need to conquer but, well, I am just going around in circles.
I hope you can come to a place where you are not your own enemy. I hope I can too.
Amy