phonies

Is it just me or does anyone else hate phonies????
Last night I had to put up with the phoniest of the phony.... I was not nice... why should I be... these people have treated me like crap basically for 23 yrs... I spoke when spoken to but not all sugary... because that would have gone against any and everything that I can live with. I could care less what they had to say afterward... they have talked shit about me since I met them. Unfortunatly I am connected to them through marriage...
I adore my husband.... but other than his father there is no one I want to have any contact with. Hopefully my attitude has precluded them from EVER coming to my new house.... that has been my big fear moving here... they are close in area... but this was a good move. As long as i can keep them away from me they can't trigger me....

ug

wow... I wish someone would have told me how rough I am looking.... 40 doesn't agree with me at all....
I was trying to take new profile pics for my FB but they were SO AWFUL!!! My hair is long and out of control... and I generally looked pissed or sad....
life has not been kind to me...

control

Wow... what a rough day yesterday. I had therapy and I promised one of my psychiatrists that I would broach a sensitive topic and try to work through it.
Well I broached the subject and it lead to a total meltdown... to the point of SI-- if I could have reached the scissors or a letter opener it would have been worse.
I am confused as to why my interpersonal relationships always end up in the crapper. I told him that it had to be my fault because it keeps happening... abandonment, meaness, etc. Yeah I have issues... but I have tried to be there for those peoples issues--- I don't deserve the same consideration apparently.
He was being kind and said that he was making a special effort to see me and work with me... and like an ass I told him thats cuz he was being paid... and that was a terrible thing to say. So the problems with my relationships ARE my fault because I say the most rotten things to people who really are on my side.
But with the pain and hurt that I have been put through I have the hardest time trusting anyone... including myself.
I need to get a grip and try to gain some control over my own life and let go of the hurt. I can't expect to be forgiven by others if i can't forgive my own faults.... that will be my biggest struggle. I have to figure out how not to blame myself for all the bad that is in my life.....

wow

Wow... how long has it been???? So much going on. I don't even know if but anyone but Amy (hugs)
Life has had some dramatic twists and turns... moved... happy with the new house.... it feels like home. Still a bit to do but the big stuff is over. I have had a long time "friend" tell me to 'eff off'---- that was devastating--- but what can I do??? I will miss this person but it is their issue and I have to learn that letting go is best for me.....
I just don't understand why... yes we had some issues but I tried to make up for that and was flat out rejected.... this is why I don't let people get that close to me... I am the one that ends up hurt. There are times... (alot of times) when I feel that there really are very few people that I can count on. anything else is superficial. Good luck to this person...they are going to need it. I WILL NOT beat myself up over this person acting like I am the scum of the earth after all I have done.... they have made no effort... what kind of friend is that????
Yes the issues we had came up when I had been drinking... my bad.... but this person should have known that PTSD is such a hard illness... because they supposedly have it... but I honestly think this person had no clue what it really means.
So that is my thought for today....