So I am not really sure what I want to blog about... I have had a good couple of days. But I have to go off my meds wed for treatment friday.... so that is always a good time. SIGH....
Its been good to see the girls and of course Micaiah so much the past month...
I got an email from a FORMER friend the other day and I was LIVID... #1 I didn't know how she got my email #2 we haven't spoken for over 13 yrs.... she became very rude and ignortant and quite frankly vicious one day at a birthday party. She made me cry and I was so devestated because we were so close (I thought) and I was with her when her baby was born--- and I was with her to hold her and the baby when the baby passed away and then a month or so later she turned on me and called me everything but a child of god. Turns out my friend Kelly gave her my email --- I was very upset and she told me she gave it to her because she thought it was sweet.... the whole time I was thinking "i didn't hear on the news the hell froze over" cuz that is the only way I would ever speak to that sow ever again.
You only get one chance to burn me.... after that there are no more chances EVER.
Its very bewildering to me how many times that has happened to me.... I of course blame myself for the fact that I get burned.. I get too close too fast and I give my all then it comes and smakes me in the face. There is a reason -well lots of reasons- that I have trust issues... I never trust my own choices- How can I when this has happened over and over.
So I guess that is the end of my rant for now.... another one later of course....
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
for us girls
Words for Women to Live By! 1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember wherever there is a good looking,sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are hard.
14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.'
Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there'.'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live today'.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember wherever there is a good looking,sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are hard.
14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.'
Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there'.'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live today'.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Promised
I promised my dear friend that I would blog today even though I really don't think anyone gives a rats ass....Maybe her but that is cuz she is so sweet.
I had nightmares last night so I woke up agitated...I wrote down what I remembered in my journal, it sucks not to remember because then when you try to tell some one about it it just comes across as stupid.
I managed to get through the morning and afternoon thanks to my meds and a little help from Bacardi.
Then we went to mom and dads so Steve could try and fix their car.... I made the mistake of looking at the local paper.... there was a front page article about the credit union and the history... including the embezzelment. And the chairman of the board acted like he and all the other board members did when it happened and in the two years following... lacsidasical... The attitude of --shit happens--- well they could think that because it wasn't them she was making death threats to etc.... I dropped the paper like it was a snake... and had to leave in the middle of a visit with my parents to get my meds.
Steve stopped at the store that is a block from my parents house and left me in the escape with Hendrix while he ran in to see if they had my favorite ice cream--- something that was planned prior to the news paper shit. And lo and behold there I sat facing the care of that slutty whore who cost me my job with the Army...
I have to be honest .... It took every ounce of will power not to walk over and key that fucking sluts car.... I was having trouble breathing when steve came out of the store... I came home- flipped out -- cried... did a post on face book- realized some people have dropped me from the "friends" list. ( what a joke) and I came even more unglued.... I was out of control by now.
I have barely calmed down and am FURIOUS with myself.... I let this crap get to me AGAIN.... no wonder no one wants anything to do with me- I am a damn psycho.... I can't even stand myself... how can I expect anyone else to????
I hate myself -- I hate my "life" -- trust is not in my vocabulary-- and I am tired --- sick and tired... My therapist keeps saying its hard work.... but no matter what I try I will never get my life back. It was stolen from me by some rotten "people" (and I use the term loosly) and the worst part is I let them... I succumbed to the bullshit and horror that my life became 7 years ago and I will never get it back.
The End
I had nightmares last night so I woke up agitated...I wrote down what I remembered in my journal, it sucks not to remember because then when you try to tell some one about it it just comes across as stupid.
I managed to get through the morning and afternoon thanks to my meds and a little help from Bacardi.
Then we went to mom and dads so Steve could try and fix their car.... I made the mistake of looking at the local paper.... there was a front page article about the credit union and the history... including the embezzelment. And the chairman of the board acted like he and all the other board members did when it happened and in the two years following... lacsidasical... The attitude of --shit happens--- well they could think that because it wasn't them she was making death threats to etc.... I dropped the paper like it was a snake... and had to leave in the middle of a visit with my parents to get my meds.
Steve stopped at the store that is a block from my parents house and left me in the escape with Hendrix while he ran in to see if they had my favorite ice cream--- something that was planned prior to the news paper shit. And lo and behold there I sat facing the care of that slutty whore who cost me my job with the Army...
I have to be honest .... It took every ounce of will power not to walk over and key that fucking sluts car.... I was having trouble breathing when steve came out of the store... I came home- flipped out -- cried... did a post on face book- realized some people have dropped me from the "friends" list. ( what a joke) and I came even more unglued.... I was out of control by now.
I have barely calmed down and am FURIOUS with myself.... I let this crap get to me AGAIN.... no wonder no one wants anything to do with me- I am a damn psycho.... I can't even stand myself... how can I expect anyone else to????
I hate myself -- I hate my "life" -- trust is not in my vocabulary-- and I am tired --- sick and tired... My therapist keeps saying its hard work.... but no matter what I try I will never get my life back. It was stolen from me by some rotten "people" (and I use the term loosly) and the worst part is I let them... I succumbed to the bullshit and horror that my life became 7 years ago and I will never get it back.
The End
Thursday, June 11, 2009
?????
Why am I bothering to have a blog??????? No one really gives a rats ass. There are so many people I care so deeply for..... I don't know why.... the feeling is not mutual.... Guess I should take my meds and get over it.
Monday, June 8, 2009
hmmm
Funny.. I just read everyone elses blogs.... they are all watching and catching up with each other..... and I am all alone... not on a blog list anywhere... Thats ok... at least I know I love you.... I am not worthy of anything from anyone... but I won't treat you that way.... My best and my love to you---- even if you don't care enough to follow me or my "thoughts" --- I know I am crazy and that no-one wants to be with me.... Nothing I can do about that.... I am doing all I can. But thanks for the care, love and attention.. Bitter???? eehhh.... whatever..... no one really cares anyway.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
why
I refuse to cry..... I have had flashbacks and triggers all morning.... then the reality of the house not selling for what we need it to sell for... another slap in the face.... We are meeting with the bank today to see what we need to sell the house for -- bottom line and if we can't do it we are going to take it off the market.
I don't know why we bother to make things better.... it always backfires. We try to be good people... maybe that is where we are going wrong..... its the bad jackasses in the world that seem to prosper.
I don't know why we bother to make things better.... it always backfires. We try to be good people... maybe that is where we are going wrong..... its the bad jackasses in the world that seem to prosper.
Monday, June 1, 2009
sometimes
There are sometimes when you have to wonder... really about everything and everyone. Sometimes You wonder why me or why not me...
Sometimes you have to wonder if there is anyone who cares or is sincere.
Sometimes when you think someone cares for you you realize that is not the case... that hurts all the time.
Sometimes you try to forget and can't
Sometimes you wish it was all over
Sometimes you wan't what you will never be able to have
Sometimes you care more than you should when you know it will just lead to trouble and heartache
SOMETIMES
Sometimes you have to wonder if there is anyone who cares or is sincere.
Sometimes when you think someone cares for you you realize that is not the case... that hurts all the time.
Sometimes you try to forget and can't
Sometimes you wish it was all over
Sometimes you wan't what you will never be able to have
Sometimes you care more than you should when you know it will just lead to trouble and heartache
SOMETIMES
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