well hell....

I love making my posts different colors.... is that more of being crazy? :)
I have treatment tomorrow so no meds for me today... trying to stay as focused as possible on positive- I can't afford a freak out. They are sooo bad when there are no meds.
I am not touching my workbook today... I can't afford the triggers that it caused yesterday. It is very difficult to do.
I have come to some realizations.... I am terrified of the person who originally did this to me -- but I am angriest at the people I worked with in the army for making it worse. I could have healed a little if they hadn't screwed me over so bad. Is that weird or even crazier???
I can't stand someone who is good to your face and then does a hari-kari move to you emotionally... it is WAY deeper then a stab in the back.
I will never forgive or forget how Traci f****ed me over just for a piece of ass... she is the one who put me in the middle of it in the 1st place!! Why didn't she just leave me out of it? Not to mention Tami.... with her sticky fingers and unethical practices.... god forbid either should have to pay the price for the things they did.
How is it that they did the crime and I am the one who gets blamed for not letting them get away with it? Or pays the price for their 'crimes'??? I guess it was easier to blame someone else then to actually take responsibility for what they were doing.
I spent 2 years of my life prior to that in fear for my life because someone else commited a crime and blamed me for calling the authorities..... I wasn't the one who embezzeled all that money.... but somehow I paid the price.
I've lost everything because of these people... yet I am supposed to be 'yippee-skippee' about all of it and "just get over it" ..... where is the justice for the real perpetrators??? I paid for their actions with my mind..... THANKS A HELL OF ALOT.
Ya know what made it worse (if that was possible) was not being believed. Thanks for that guys.... (tony, commander, anne, etc... the list is sooo long.) Is there something about me or wrong with me that makes people automatically side with the wrong doers? Then people wonder why I don't want to exist at times...HMMM lets examine:
I sleep with a gun, have a security system, am on meds up the butt, and have to have my brain shocked at least 2 x's a week just to barely function.... WTF????
How could I make this shit up??????
Boy... went off a little there.. needed to get it off my chest --- but I am not going to freak.... not today if I can help it.
Believe me or not... it doesn't matter anymore.