whatever

So I have just been doing alot in the house to make it more appealing to prospective buyers.. I really want out of this town.
but I have been doing alot of thinking during all my time... I am lonely- I really have no one to talk to and that I feel comfortable sharing everything with. I have been burned so many times that I have a huge fear of getting close to anyone. Its really sucky to be this alone surrounded by so many people.

Go Away

You need to go away and leave me alone... quit trying to contact the people that I know and move on with YOUR life. You made your choices and you cannot now come back and try to weasel your way in. You had your chance.... YOU blew it.... Its not all about YOU so get over yourself.
I am not going to let you stalk me... if you keep it up I will contact the authorities... I am not changing my life to avoid you... just stay the hell away. I have been through enough with others just like you and I will be damned if I am going to keep living with people like you bothering me.
You know who you are .... GO AWAY!!!

what a week!

So... its been pretty wild the past 6 days.... one thing after another... had a couple of meltdowns- but I am working on it. I have had Kashi calling and texting and emailing... she said she wanted her space... took it to an extreme and didn't consider the fact that she was doing what everyone else I have let close to me has done. But I finally talked to her and all she could talk about was how things affected her. Like I had no clue what PTSD does to someone. The longer she did the me-me-me thing the angrier I became. She had no interest in what her extreme actions did to me and the fact that she did what they have all done.... betrayed and devestated me.
When I finally ended the conversation I was angry... but ok. That surprised me. I think that is some type of progress.
I haven't been having nightmares since I upped my trazadone. I am going to call my psychiatrist and talk to him about it. I think that is making a bit of a difference in how I am handling things.
But I am working hard. I am thinking about writing about what has happened and the journey that I am going through to try and heal.

gonna complain

So another day... i just feel like venting... I think I should be able to do that -- this is my blog and I don't judge others for what they write... but I know the rules that apply to others never apply to me... I am expected to hold a different set of standards. Could anyone tell me why that is? This is supposed to be part of my theraputic process- but I feel that sometimes I have to censor what I want to say. Is that fair? Hmmm thinking not.
Yesterday went from bad to worse- I finally threw my hands in the air and gave up on everything. Why bother? It was just like the past... try to help and get slapped in the face. Then people wonder why I am so bitter!!
I have spent alot of time trying to help others with PTSD and ended up getting read the riot act by someone who was having a hard time... she posted it for everyone to see that she was struggling and when I asked if it was stress, anxiety or if there was anything I could do she emailed me told me most people didnt know that she had PTSD and was deleting my comments. All I was trying to do was care... and that is where I always go wrong. Never EVER try to care.... all it has ever done for me is destroy me. So I figured that if I was doing the wrong thing I would just make it easy on her and deleted her. That way I can't make the same mistake again.
Then Janice came over and brought ash a wonderful baby gift -- but of course there was the inevitable talk about MEPS and the bitches..... that did not help my already unstable mood.
I went to the credit union earlier in the day just for a few seconds and FOUR people commented on my house being for sale. I HATE this 'community. And of course every single one of them asked if I was still having problems with Linda. I told them YES and others...
I thought I had found something I could do and was not too shabby at... helping others in my condition. But I have failed at that too. So I guess we can add major disappointment and failure to my list of 'issues'

stuff

Well lets see what trouble I can get into or cause with this blog....
I went out in the front yard all by myself twice yesterday.... I was VERY proud of me. Anyone who has a clue as to my struggles... especially in this community knows that was a pretty big feat! :)
I was thinking a bit about how I ended up this way... from childhood through all the injustices etc at the various places I have had the misfortune to be employed. I wonder if it was building all these years and then the whole Linda trying to kill me etc and then the joy of the job w/ the army just made it go KABOOM!
I am grateful for the people that I have now... they may be 'virtual" relationships but its the best I can do or have right now.
I never thought anyone would 'get it' but by some twist of fate I was able to find people that do get it. We all came by it in different ways but the result is the same....
Still missing our little guy- But what can you do.... they are trying to get comfortable with their little family... and we all know that is not easy.... those little tiny things don't come with instructions. It will all work out.
well thats what I have to say for today. Have been enjoying skype... spent 3 hours on it with a chap from Algeria. Its fun because he is working on his english and I have to talk to him mostly in french. I cheat and use a translator but it is helping me brush up on my French. :)
Just one more note- people come and go... eventually we get used to it. If they step away from you at first it is hard not to blame yourself... but we have to realize they are making their own decisions and have to deal with the consequences. (not you sissy-just so you know)

well hell....

I love making my posts different colors.... is that more of being crazy? :)
I have treatment tomorrow so no meds for me today... trying to stay as focused as possible on positive- I can't afford a freak out. They are sooo bad when there are no meds.
I am not touching my workbook today... I can't afford the triggers that it caused yesterday. It is very difficult to do.
I have come to some realizations.... I am terrified of the person who originally did this to me -- but I am angriest at the people I worked with in the army for making it worse. I could have healed a little if they hadn't screwed me over so bad. Is that weird or even crazier???
I can't stand someone who is good to your face and then does a hari-kari move to you emotionally... it is WAY deeper then a stab in the back.
I will never forgive or forget how Traci f****ed me over just for a piece of ass... she is the one who put me in the middle of it in the 1st place!! Why didn't she just leave me out of it? Not to mention Tami.... with her sticky fingers and unethical practices.... god forbid either should have to pay the price for the things they did.
How is it that they did the crime and I am the one who gets blamed for not letting them get away with it? Or pays the price for their 'crimes'??? I guess it was easier to blame someone else then to actually take responsibility for what they were doing.
I spent 2 years of my life prior to that in fear for my life because someone else commited a crime and blamed me for calling the authorities..... I wasn't the one who embezzeled all that money.... but somehow I paid the price.
I've lost everything because of these people... yet I am supposed to be 'yippee-skippee' about all of it and "just get over it" ..... where is the justice for the real perpetrators??? I paid for their actions with my mind..... THANKS A HELL OF ALOT.
Ya know what made it worse (if that was possible) was not being believed. Thanks for that guys.... (tony, commander, anne, etc... the list is sooo long.) Is there something about me or wrong with me that makes people automatically side with the wrong doers? Then people wonder why I don't want to exist at times...HMMM lets examine:
I sleep with a gun, have a security system, am on meds up the butt, and have to have my brain shocked at least 2 x's a week just to barely function.... WTF????
How could I make this shit up??????
Boy... went off a little there.. needed to get it off my chest --- but I am not going to freak.... not today if I can help it.
Believe me or not... it doesn't matter anymore.

ho-hum

Isn't it fun when you reach out and get ignored? I don't know why I even bother.
I have decided that most people are just using me- to hell with them. (not you noodle or sissy) Then there are those who can't get over the fact that I have recieved what I deserved (MEPS Effers!)
I guess instead of sitting here and bitching about people who really mean nothing to me in the long run I should do something constructive... I have been afraid to work in my PTSD workbook... just because I am afraid of what it will bring up and make me feel... I USED to be strong... thanks life for stealing that from me.
Aside from that I want to make sure that I post a big THANK YOU to my baby girl for giving me something so very precious--- I didn't think I could love anything that much again.... he is perfect ash... Your doing great and are a super mom... I couldn't be prouder of the three of you. Not to mention my cori-ann... I love you so much too honey and I am so proud of how you have made your own way in the world.
You guys are my saving grace....