I don't know

Sometimes I just don't know...I have really been struggling the past few days. I feel like crap because I think I might have poisoned Hendrix.... with my faulty memory I forgot that you can't give dogs ibuprofin.... I feel worse than ever.... which is hard to do because I feel rotten most of the time.
My friend Kashi is upset with me... I am not quite sure why... there can be so many reasons. For the past 2 days all I have wanted to do is have the ground open up and swallow me. How much longer can I go on this way. I just want to be normal. I don't know if that will ever happen. I hate the way I am and honestly I hate myself.
I had someone contact me on skype today- I don't know who she is but she said I sounded "interesting" - poor girl has no idea what she is gettting herself into.
I told steve last night that I don't think my new meds are working.... that's probably not a good thing. But I will have to wait till I see my psychiatrist on the 26 to discuss that.
I am just miserable and I don't see any end in sight.... sorry everyone who is trying to help me. I love you all and really do appreciate your efforts. I don't want to be like this... sitting here and sobbing half the day.
I would give anything for my ECT treatments to completly erase the past so I don't have to think about it at all. So there it is... open and honest and blunt.... ugly but true.