why

So why cant the past leave me alone????? I woke up from a nightmare in a full blown panic attack today.
The nightmare was about the past of course and it had all the people in it that I want to erase from my mind... It had everything... people chasing me, trying to hurt me, forcing me out of a job, not believing what I had to say, violence etc.
Yesterday Ash scolded me for being aggressive... what else am I supposed to do? I told her that is why I am on meds and she is not.
Past GO AWAY... I don't want you here anymore. You have done enough damage to me and cost me everything.... GO AWAY.

yesterday

Well our little Micaiah is here and he is perfect... its pretty awesome to be a grandma.
Had a rough day.... those f'ers at the MEPS and civilian personnel really triggered an episode. I hope those bastards at the MEPS are livid that I have been medically retired... I hope it just eats at them. They had the nerve to demand my keys... umm they took those when they took my security clearance, wrote me up for coming between the affair of my supervisor and her supervisor etc and I ended up in the hospital and all they did was bitch about when I was coming back when they were the ones who drove me there.
I cant wait until I am no longer in this "community" and can maybe move forward with living instead of being afraid to leave my own home.
Yeah... I am angry. You can only be pushed so far so many times before you lose your cool. I don't care if this is a bitchy blog... don't like it don't read it.
I am tired... I should lay down and maybe when I wake up I can put those assholes behind me.....

today

Today I have been fortunate to meet some more new people- all whom I can identify with and hopefully can identify with me. I am amazed at the number of people suffering with this crap.
I do have to say that my association with the people I have met has helped me in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. If I thought god loved or cared about me I would so thank him for these wonderful people. None of us should be going through this.... WHY.... why us?????
Yesterday was a rough day... but managed to get through it. Went and saw Normie and took him to the cemetary to visit Rea. Then it was off to visit cori and groom Farley... that he did NOT appreciate. :)

another day

Well just another day... painted the garage last night- well most of it. Still more to do. We want things to be as perfect as possible for the prospective buyers. I am going to miss this house... but its for the best.
I am on a downer this morning. God let my meds work soon!
I am just so sad and there are reasons for it... but nothing to discuss.
Had nightmares most of the night... got up and steve was up- he didn't sleep all night. I don't know why. It makes me feel guilty for some reason... I guess he is stressed. I am a handful and he handles it so well.
I wish the girls would call or facebook or email more often... I miss contact with them. But they are grown and have their own lives. Part of life I guess.
Thats it for this morning... Totally bummed and depressed... life sucks.

new friends

Well I have friend requested alot of people with PTSD.. they all accepted. It is good to have people to talk to that are in the same position- it helps. I am so grateful to have found this group and the people in it.
I have a headache today--- a little stressed. I have been pretty confused too. I don't know why but it is an odd feeling. I am sure that there are things that I am supposed to be doing but I'll be darned if I know what they are.
the house is on the market.... I am really looking forward to getting the heck out of dodge. I need a change of environment. Some of the people in my support group think that it is going to do me a world of good.... I hope so. Thank the good lord for steve and all he has put up with... I don't know how he does it.

I don't know

Sometimes I just don't know...I have really been struggling the past few days. I feel like crap because I think I might have poisoned Hendrix.... with my faulty memory I forgot that you can't give dogs ibuprofin.... I feel worse than ever.... which is hard to do because I feel rotten most of the time.
My friend Kashi is upset with me... I am not quite sure why... there can be so many reasons. For the past 2 days all I have wanted to do is have the ground open up and swallow me. How much longer can I go on this way. I just want to be normal. I don't know if that will ever happen. I hate the way I am and honestly I hate myself.
I had someone contact me on skype today- I don't know who she is but she said I sounded "interesting" - poor girl has no idea what she is gettting herself into.
I told steve last night that I don't think my new meds are working.... that's probably not a good thing. But I will have to wait till I see my psychiatrist on the 26 to discuss that.
I am just miserable and I don't see any end in sight.... sorry everyone who is trying to help me. I love you all and really do appreciate your efforts. I don't want to be like this... sitting here and sobbing half the day.
I would give anything for my ECT treatments to completly erase the past so I don't have to think about it at all. So there it is... open and honest and blunt.... ugly but true.

here I am

Well here I am.... I have been waiting for a realotor alll freaking day... she never showed so I called a different one and told the other to get bent. I have put up with enough bullshit in the past 3 years that I don't need to wait on someone who can't be fussed to show up. I am angry. I don't know what it is about me that people think they can just use me or take advantage. I am sick and damn tired of it. Can anyone tell me what it is about me that people think they can just walk on me- abuse me- threaten my life etc..... I just don't want to put up with any bullshit any more. So if you were planning on taking advantage forget it. I have had enough!!!!!

chubby

Well... I have spent alot of time just sitting around.... the down side of that is I have put on a massive amount of weight. :( Steve doesn't care but I sure as heck do! I am going to spend the next 30 days getting rid of some of it... I don't want to be a fat grandma and Micaiah will be here soon. I am MOTIVATED now.... I can't blame my mental short comings for my weight gain... there are skinny crazy people.
I talked alot with Kashi in San Fransisco and she has been an inspiration and we have come to rely on each other--- close as family. Bless her little model heart! :)
I guess there are a few things I need to remember to be grateful for... good friends, a devoted and loving spouse....which is very cool considering the great length of time we have been together... married 23 years together 25.
But my main goal right now will be to shed this extra baggage I have accumulated... that and keep up with my treatments. We are going to once every 2 weeks instead of every other day or weekly... Dr Singh isn't sure I am ready for that but we will have to see. He has literally saved my life... If I had any faith in God at this point I would thank God for sending him to me.
Anyway.... day one of dieting.... keep your fingers crossed!!!

Today

Today I feel blue... I wonder what its all about. Why me? I have cried a river and still don't feel better. Thank God for my good friends... I would be lost without them.