Morning

Well here it is bright and early.... Not much going on. Treatment went well yesterday and now he wants to do them once a week but that is still a little excessive. We are going to try and have them done once every 2 weeks. We want to sell the house and move... I am tired of this town. Maybe a change of scenery will help my mental state! :)

today

Well its early... I have treatment today. But not until 1:30 in the afternoon... when you get up at 5 am that is a long time to wait. SIGH!!!
Beau hurt Hendrix yesterday rough housing and now Hendrix won't walk and cries all the time. When he's not in my lap that is. I guess he thinks that makes it all better. Poor guy.
They still won't eat... unless I put something on their food- How did I get such fussy dogs?!
Well I guess I will go watch the news or something... geez I am boring!

whatever

So here I am just hanging out... no treatment today but one on wed. and fri. They are affecting me differently this time around.... at least I don't want to go back to work this time!!! I know better- bunch of asses...
Nothing new... dogs won't eat, ducks are loud, I want to sell the house and move...
Won't that be interesting... a whole new start just Steve & I (and the dogs)?? I feel bad for leaving mom and dad behind--- but we have to think of ourselves. Steve wants to be closer to work and I don't care if I never see this town again. I could go on a tirade about it and the "people" in it... but whats the point?!

random

Well we took ash to her Dr appt yesterday and I got to listen to Micaiah's heart beat and watch him squirm around to try and get away from the monitors. He's an active little guy- I can't wait until he is here for us to love and cuddle. Ashleys midwife doesn't think that she will carry to term but she is close... 6 weeks out.
Bob and Puddles came out of their pen and into the garage early this morning- stupid ducks.... then they quack at me because they think they are getting a treat just because they can see me.
A little bit of snow today.... but it won't last long.
I am just going to hang out today and maybe read a little... in the new library... :) It turned out great. Steve is the best at everything.
I, personally, am going to do ok today.... I can't let the evil of the world keep attacking me on such deep levels. One day they will get their own back.
I can't wait to see cori on saturday... she is coming for dinner and a closet walk through.
So there are the random thoughts that I have had so far today.

survival

I am in survival mode I guess you could put it. I have to be.... Started treatments again because we came very close to the end monday.
I will keep going as long as I can because of one simple statement...
"WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GROW OLD TOGETHER"
That is what I cling to daily. There are people I love very much in this world and they might not see it now... I hope we can all figure it out before it is irreparable or too late.
I will continue to struggle and keep getting back up when I keep getting knocked down... even if I only make it to my knees.

time

A time comes for everything... good, bad and ugly. We all just have to realize that these things happen for a reason- we don't know what the reason is exactly but there has to be a reason or it would not happen.

Love for all who have cared enough to share this blog with me.

tired

Well just a little tired of not being good enough- I don't say the right things... certain people think they have the right to correct, scold, or tell me off in public. I think that I am a full grown adult. I have been this way for a very long time. Sorry if you are embarassed by me- I know everyone thinks that I take things to an "extreme" but lets face it if I did this kind of shit to you - you wouldn't want to be around me. I do the best I can and I am not changing to suit anyone. I am not apologizing anymore.

maybe

I think that I actually helped another human being last night. I was reached out to and helped someone in desperate need. It was scary yet felt good to know that I could be there for someone who really needed someone. Maybe I am not worthless after all. We hardly know each other but she reached out and I was there to help her and I know that if I needed to reach out she would help me. I have been afraid of that for a very long time.

all by myself

Well today I decided I was sick of being in the four walls.... and I went to lunch all by myself. I went to Virgs, had coffee, a breakfast burrito, read a magazine and was ok with it. I went to family dollar and got some cool workout pants for like 4 bucks.... Decided I don't need others to do my thing... I'll do what I want when I want.

figures

Tore the flank muscle in my back working out this morning even though I have been working out every day for months... with no sucess of course... but it proves to me the higher power is out to get me and won't stop until I am crushed... like under a semi or something. Nah... that would be to easy. Probably keeping me around to make me suffer as much as or more that humanly possible

Well Steve got the library painted yesterday and it looks awesome... I just sat on my pitty pot and felt sorry for my self. I am in another deep depression.... got a letter from those bastards at the MEPS wondering what my 'INTENTIONS" are.... well they have already filled my position what the hell do they think my intentions are. Not to mention the letter was FULL of errors on dates etc.... so I fired off one back to them.... Steve made me edit it. He said I sounded 'disgruntled' REALLY????????
I am going to have to go off some of my meds because I can't afford them any longer....
I have been trying to do things to clear my mind and soul and trying to have little accomplishments that help me see that I am not such a loser only to be knocked flat on my ass and have my face rubbbed in the mud. I wonder why God has abandoned me. NO LECTURES.... It is my feelings and I am entitled to them.
Any way .... here are the 25 'random' things about me that everyone is so gung ho on.... probably nothing new... but it was all I could come up with at 3 in the morning....

25 THINGS ABOUT ME:
1. I used to tell my kids they were from their dads 1st marriage.
2. I used to tell other people my kids were adopted (cuz they look NOTHING like me :) )
3. I treat my dogs, fish and ducks like people
4.I met steve at 14, engaged at 15 married at 17
5. I have decided to only eat one meal a day
6. I don't sleep much even on heavy medication
7. I love to read
8. I may be crazy but I am NOT stupid
9. I hate to be taken advantage of
10.Revenge is the name of my game.
11. I never forgive and I never forget
12. I wouldn't be sad if I was diagnosed with a fatal disease
13. I am very spiritual.
14 I had alot of my memory wiped out and it is difficult for me to remember things
15. I keep meticulous records just in case I need to use them.
16. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up
17. I have been a custom finisher in a cabinet shop, run a daycare, owned my own business, and been the vice president of a credit union among other things
18. I will kick your ass and not think twice about it if you get in my way1
9. I can and have restored antiques for a living
20. I have lived all over the world
21. I don't feel likeable
22. I started to write a book once
23. I have been married and a mother more than 1/2 my life
24. I grew up on a small farm
25. I hate camping