whew

Well... what a week or more it has been. I have been struggling between extreme depression and letting my PTSD & Borderline run my emotions to the point of being sooo paranoid that I don't know what to do but cry.
I have felt pretty guilty for no reason... It would be good to figure out a way or learn that not everything is worth my killing myself over guilt. Not everything is my fault... I HAVE to learn that. Thanks mom and dad.. traci, linda, chris etc... oh the list goes on and on... why do I turn everything into my fault???? Why can't I see that others have responsibility? I will get stronger and even though I will never be 'ok' I want to try to make my everyday life a little easier.. that is not too much to ask.

well... can't post on FB... I know that I have driven everyone away... I used to have friends... I let my illness consume me and no one seems to be able to see the good I have done. the past years have been hell and I wish I had a way to make them see that I am hurt. I feel like I have lost everything. I have been trying to work so hard on controlling what is actually controlling me. An uphill battle but I keep trudging... only to be hurt over and over. I can't be nice any more... it doesn't make a difference.

so difficult

Well... therapy yesterday was very hard. We are still dealing with my childhood. It is a struggle... even from the physical and mental abuse I still feel guilty for cutting myself off from my parents. My therapist says that I have to. He understands the guilt but the lies and evilness I was fed as a child has lead to where I am now. It has made me weak when I wanted to be strong. I blame myself for everything and my entire self image was built in the childhood years. He links all the lies I was told as a child ( fat, stupid, gutter trash etc) makes it difficult if not almost impossible for me to believe any thing else. It is going to be a long road. thank goodness I have steve to hold me up in the worst of times

stir crazy

Well maybe blogging is a better way to get things out of my mind instead of holding them or putting them on FB... I really am tired of FB because there is alot of drama, people begging for help but not willing to give it. I find my anger growing instead of fading. I have had it under control for quite awhile and I am struggling to keep it that way.
I wish that I could do something but the same ol same ol... but I am afraid of the world and all the terrible things in it. I don't want to play there anymore -- I am not stable enough anymore.
I work really hard at my therapy... that does help. But its a long road... and I don't know that anyone really understands that. Its like if the ETC's and therapy I have had so far should have fixed it.
I have such deep feelings of guilt and shame. I would love to be free from that and not blame myself for every little thing... and I mean EVERY little thing.

I am dying slowly inside.... there are only 5 people who keep me going......

hmm

I am a little down today... I wish I had a friend --- but for me to trust anyone is the most difficult thing in the world. If I share my feelings or let myself be vulnerable... I just get hurt, screwed and used..... Its hard to be friends with people who don't understand.... Alone... all alone

forever

well quite a few months since I did this... I guess i didn't see the point... still don't. No one cares or pays attention anyway.
I am lonely... sad... I wish I had REAL people in my life... but my trust issues are soooo big that I can't do that. I feel like there is no one around... I have 'virtual friends' but there is no one here. I don't know what to do. I guess it doesn't matter.
I can't even deal with my psychiatrist... he doesn't care. All he had is a prescription pad... I can get that from any doctor.
I have my family but they are grown and have their own things.... I just don't know what my purpose is anymore...if I ever had one.
I give .... there is nothing for me. I just don't know what else to do anymore... not that anyone cares. I guess I should just keep doing what I do best... cry.